Musings Vol. 4

Washing away

Fading away

This dream of mine is non-existent

Hopes fade

My mind and body are exhausted

What I want is not what I need

What I need is not what I want

For one moment I found happiness

For one moment I thought it would be okay

For one moment reality left me

In this moment reality found me

It gave me what I didn’t want

These struggles I find myself in are self-inflicted

These memories I loose myself are self-destructive

I open my mind to all possibilities of what could have been

That is all there is

What could have been…?

What I could have done…

What could I have done differently…?

What could have I changed….

Would I be happier?

Sadder?

More miserable for changing my choices?

What lies ahead that I do not know?

What lies ahead I do not understand

Contemplative I lay here

My hopes wash away

They cleanse my reality

Dreams fade away

And I sleep on these memories

They are all I have…

Musings Vol. 3

Shadows fall on a lonely prey
I commandeer your hope and give you despair
What gives you hope now?
What can save you?
To what extremes are you willing to go to gain your freedom?
Nothingness surrounds you
The darkness claims you
You open your eyes
All you can see is the shadow of your former self
You cry out in shame
You reach out to gain what you have lost
Unfortunately you now realize that you cannot gain what you so easily decided to give up
You chose not to fight
You chose not to endure
You chose the path you now walk and there is no turning back
This inner light you thought you had
What you thought had given you strength, waned
You chose to let it burn out
Regret fills your heart
Nothing can be changed now
What do you do now?
It's pitch black and the light you always hoped would save you one day is not there
It does not shine as you once hoped it would
It does not guide you down the path you hoped would lead you to happiness
It was but an illusion
This illusion deceived you
This illusion misguided you
This illusion which was real if only seen thru the eyes of the deceived
To what means of an end will this darkness take you?
To what means of an end will you let it take you?
Do you wish now to give up?
Do you wish now to fight with what strength you have left?
Will you give up so easily?
Impossible is not a reality

Musings Vol. 2

I see you standing there
I see a reflection of what was
My hopes are the highest in a state of euphoria
Endless emotions that are swept under the rug
I contain you
I repress you
I release you from your former self
Astounding that which was in our hearts
The beating sync that we carried thru ceases to exist
Calamity struck
Yet you still endure
Compound is the fracture of the love you inserted into my heart
I now decide to insert this vow into your heart
I complete you
I replace the empty half you feared to fill
My soul burns aflame with this new hope
I come to you seeking happiness
I come to you seeking hope
I refrain from embracing this
I am too scared to face it
Love anew bound to a new world
Traveling an unknown road to start it's beginning
Suffering countless miles to meet it's end
Why do you shrink back in the name of fear?
Why do you sit still in the face of a new hope?
Come sit still with me and listen
Waves crash as we look upon this horizon
The sound of the world surrounds us
Endless Illusions of the mind perceive
Endless Illusions of hopes but not dreams
Calamity struck
Yet you still endure
You hold onto something
It's give you the greatest strength
Bound again we are to this never ending road
This life we are destined to live
This love we are destined to fall into
Why do we see no end?
Countless ambitions
Countless hopes
A dream never realized in the name of fear
Fear of change
Fear of that which we will never come to know
Twice we fall on this mistake only to make it again
Twice we realize the mistake we made
Three times now I wish this would end
Nameless suffering
Nameless fear
Enduring this I hope for you
I hope for happiness
I hope for this longing in my heart to give in to yours
And I embrace you…

Musings Vol. 1

Past these dreams into an endless sorrow
I wake to the new moon in a solitude that I cannot abide by
I see the faceless nameless demon that dwells in my heart
And he laughs at me
I stare into the soulless being that encompasses my truth
In this heart of mine I cry
In this heart of mine I fight
In this heart of mine I struggle to attain the peace my soul longs for
This life of mine that remains with boundaries and chains attached to me
I shout in pain for the struggle that contains me
I cannot see this nameless evil
I cannot fight this devil
Confound within me is the strength to survive
A wish only granted to the forsaken
Dreams and hopes control me
Fate and destiny set me free
This hopeless embrace of a faith that will not let me go
It haunts me in my most treasured of dreams
These scars mark my triumphs
These bruises mark my pain
I see you standing there next to me
You attest to the pain and the sorrow I have lived
It is a mark
A memory
You see this life of mine that I have lived is sorrow
You see this life of mine is truth
You see this life of mine is full of secrecy
In this world I cannot survive
The strength in me cannot remain
These shadows that remain to be unseen
They hide my deepest desires
They hold me to the truth that will set me free
I hide from the sins of the past
I suppress my fears
I strive to walk this earth with a smile you wish I wore all the time
I cannot wear that mask anymore
I cannot hold these dreams in my heart anymore
I cannot let go of that which I most treasure
This pain that I believe gives me strength
This sorrow that I believe makes me resilient
This endless struggle I believe will never end
To all that I hold desire
To all that I hold truth
To all that I wish for freedom
To all that I wish for everything and nothing to be foreseen
Hide from me that which I must not see
For I believe that it will let me create a future I cannot regret

Images of a Broken Light

You concern yourself too much.
The worries of the past haunt the future.
It's shackels are ever binding in it's fruitless love.
This star that shines with your hopes slowly fades.
The light grows dimmer and your hope wanes.
It's despair grasps your heart in a tight grip.
But the light still shines.
It travels a million miles a minute to reach it's destination.
It fights against gravity.
This light full of hope travels faster towards this Earth.
Doing everything it can to reach you.
Despair lies in your heart and you feel you cannot embrace this light.
It's too late.
This light has arrived and it shines on you.
In this light the memories of the past shine thru with a clarity that obscures all thought and reason.
Shrinking in fear of regret you try to pull away but the light is neverending.
Regret fills your heart but the true meaning of this light is to show you happiness.
Happiness does not reing in your heart completely.
Shadow and grief abide your hearts will.
You have let it be for far too long.
The strength of change overcomes it.
Happiness has been in your heart, it just needed to grow.
Time affects all aspects of the mind and the soul.
Healing will soon come.
Realizations will soon come.
And strength will remain in you, it has thus far in your journey.
No more regrets.
No more despair.
Embrace the light.
There has never been a life lived that has not had a happy moment.
A moment of pure joy.
A moment of laughter.
A moment of relentless profound love.
Regret will hold you back.
Embrace everything and move on.
The light will always be there to guide you.
"Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns, it calls me on and on across the universe."

Hmmm...

So im sitting here trying to think of something to rant about or even bring up and i'm only finding myself thinking how things have calmed down as of late. The past couple of months were full of revelations, realizations and lessons that I won't soon forget! I feel myself growing as a person and I feel myself growing stronger and more understanding too, although I know I still have a ways to go.
The only problem i'm finding myself dealing with right now is the fact that I need a new job. Im soooo tired of working where I am right now. It's too much hard work, it's not rewarding and I get shit for pay! Sometimes I find myself thinking that it was a waster for me to go to school and getting my certification becuase I feel like i've forgotten everything! But I guess im the only person to blame for that, I just don't find myself finding the energy to study. I'm sure the cause of that is becuase I have to work soo much. But then I do have free time so I don't have any excuses and that means I have to stop complaining and do something about it. It's the only way my current situation will change.
You know im finding myself being able to find solutions to things a lot easier than I used to. I mean in the sense that before I just use to complain about things and then ignore it for a while and finally come up with the reason why im doing what im doing. I think that shows that im making progress doesn't it? It makes me confident in that I feel like im more capable of making it in life. :)
Well since I have the rest of the day, im gonna hit the books!

Intro

So im back on this blog site. I had a previous one but I can't remember the title to be able to retrieve it :( No worries though. I don't have much to say right now but im sure i'll have lots to say in the future! I gotta do laundry...