The Heart of the Mind

Musings Vol. 39

2011-07-19T20:04:00.000-07:00

Magnificent was the lie you told me yesterday
Hurtful is the truth I learned of today
Ballads of love you sang to me
Cries of despair you scream at me
Hollow is the inside of the love you gave me
Forsaken was the hand that I held close to me
Battered and torn
Tossed and worn
This heart of mine will not recover
Hence forth I seek….
I seek retribution
I seek a means to justify the end
I seek a bandage to cover this wound
It is deep within me
I feel a touch caressing my skin
It stops as it feels my scar
I then think back to that moment
The moment in where it all fell apart
That moment in which I knew it was over
It was in that moment… I gave up on love…

Life Vol. 60

2010-11-14T15:52:00.000-08:00

I can’t believe how much has happened this year. It seems my struggles are getting harder but I do not give up. I left so many things untaken care of and they are all piling up, one by one drowning me…

We can all see our future ahead of us because of the choices that we make. If you decide to do something, you will know the outcome. Although there is unpredictability that plays a factor, mostly everything can be foreseen.

Now I’m sitting here on the verge of a BIG change and many choices will have to be made. Things will be revealed and relationships will change, I know that for a fact. There is nothing I can do but hold myself steadfast as I make the choices that are in front of me now. It’s a scary thing… change… but this change I hope will be for the better.

I am utterly hopeful for the changes that will come but I wish not to get my hopes up TOO high. I hate falling after hoping so much… Although there is uncertainty in the air, I welcome the change. Frankly I’m a little scared and you ask why? Because I will have to make a choice that I have been thinking about for a VERY long time… and I know it’s going to change everything. I do not want to say I want to hope for the best because honestly I don’t know where that choice will take me… it’s one of those things that fall into the category of the unforseen.

I can’t even begin to summarize the events that have happened this year. It was another rollercoaster of ups and downs. As usual though, I am grateful for the people that I have met and the experiences that I take with me. I never regret meeting one single person in my life because I always learn something new from different people. If I feel I’m lucky enough, I will become a better person because of that.

Once again I stand before the brink of a new dawn… once my choices and changes are made, I will write down the year that I knew would change me… 2010 …… I didn’t expect this out of you… but am grateful for what transpired… so far I can’t say it’s over… there is still some time and I feel much more will change… I’m quite frankly looking forward to it :D

Musings Vol. 38

2010-09-06T16:08:00.000-07:00

This space before me is bare
There are no markings
There is no sign of life on it
You walk and stand next to me
You look into my eyes and hold my hand
A simple pencil is grasped in your other
You kiss me and say “let’s draw on this world together”
“Let’s leave our mark and create a new beginning”
My body trembles
My skin crawls
As I look into your eyes happiness overtakes me
I shed a tear
As you wipe it away you tell me to not hold back
Make whatever markings you will with me
Make whatever mistakes you will with me
As long as we make them together
We walk on this Earth
We are a soul united
Leaving our story behind for all to see
With each mark that is left
They bear a sign of our growing love
Bearing our hopes
Bearing our aspirations
Bearing our dreams of the future we work to build
I look down at the space before me again
I smile and I cry
The once empty space is now full
It is covered with bright colors
Beautiful images are seen throughout
You embrace me and whisper into my ear
“Look ahead of you”
As I stare into the horizon
Another empty space is before me
“We aren’t done” you said
“There is more happiness for us to experience and create”
You take my hand and we walk forward
I shake in anticipation
You take the pencil in your hand
And as I take mine
We continue to leave our mark on this world…

Musings Vol. 37

2010-08-26T22:26:00.001-07:00

Most ambitious and precocious
I swim beneath the crashing waves
I think I am the fastest
I think I am the strongest
I think I am the best
I swim further and I began to realize…
I am not swimming…
I never learned to swim…
I fall farther in to the depths of this sea
They held my dreams
They coveted my aspirations
All falling down along with me
Darker ever still
I scream…
I am enveloped by the water
Filling my lungs
Shutting out my screams…
I reach out for a hand
For some form of help
Hoping that I do not fall farther down
I reach with all my might…
And my hand falls cold…
Deeper and darker these waters become
I do not shut my eyes
The darkness takes me
I am forever blind to the world around me
I keep falling…
With no hope left inside me…

Musings Vol. 36

2010-05-26T20:54:00.000-07:00

This road I have walked
It was filled with sorrow
Much joy come and gone
Different paths I could have walked
And I end up here
More choices need to be made
This path I must keep walking
All the branches of this tree
Each a road stretching out into infinity
Each road made by a different choice
Each path will not be known
Every action taken
Every moment laid in thought
Infinite possibilities to one single life
Each direction I have taken has lead me here
I feel I am not grateful for what I have
The people I have met
The moments in my life
They are all treasured
Everything I have I don’t wanna loose

I wish to let go of regret

A fear dwells deep inside my heart
And I wish to let that go
There is something holding me back
And I struggle to look inward
To find what is inside that brings fear
That brings doubt
That makes regret a possibility in my mind
Too strong a hold it has on me

Each day is another chapter in my life
One that I write
With each choice that I make
I carve a path for myself
With each step that I take
I take myself further on this journey
I hold regret to my past but not to the choices I have made
Missed opportunities will not come back
To let go of this sorrow and regret is a challenge
But with coming moments I step into truth
I take another leap without fear into the future
With another choice made to move forward
I hold steadfast to not falter
Each time I move ahead something new comes my way
And I am forever grateful
Each moment is a blessing

The future is mine to make…

Musings Vol. 35

2010-01-26T21:41:00.001-08:00

dreams covered in snow melt away in the rising sun
a fevered cold lingers at the lush of spring
and i melt away
forever lost in the wake of a new day...

Musings Vol. 34

2010-01-17T11:54:00.000-08:00

A decision made by fate
Cruelty in its manner of state
Corrupting your soul with hate
Pulling aside all faith in things
It crumbles and falls apart
Loosing self control
Agitating the evil around you
Wondering about fate
Instilling fear into those around you
Carry all this hate with you and release it
Leave it behind
All matter of regret
All correspondence of sadness
It all correlates to events past
Let it go into nothingness
It is all worth nothing
This anger that you feel
Do not let it consume you
Do not let it control you
Steel your will and keep fighting
Your soul cannot loose
Do not abide by the rules
Do not let all these emotions linger
Fate and destiny do not play a large part
Everything was done by your hand
You cannot hold to regret
You cannot falter in this moment
Let it all go
Free yourself from the shackles of these vile feelings
Let it all go
Move forward with time
Do not linger
Do not linger
Do not step back
Take another step forward
Let it all go
Freedom is your choice
Freedom from everything that has held you back
Fight on and persevere
All that you carry with you changes everything around you
With a realization in mind
You choose to move on
You let go of these bad emotions
Anger stays behind
Regret does not linger
Hate is erased
And the lines of reality play a role no longer
You are set free
Everything is set in motion
This choice you have now made
It will lead you to your happiness…
True faith is the strength of one’s own will to persevere and live…

Life Vol. 59

2009-12-24T00:41:00.000-08:00

Eight more days and the new year dawns upon us...
I have a strong feeling many things will change and our lives, if not my own, will change drastically. I'm already starting to see some changes around me... some for the better, others unfortunately for the worse. There is only so much we can do to prepare ourselves for what can come. We have to understand the choices we make, think and reflect on what we want. Life is the outcome of the consequences to the choices we make, we can only carve our own path by making the best choices we possibly can.
Somethings can be out of our hands but we can only deal with them the best we can when and if they come our way.
I will have to make several choices this coming year, some of which will be difficult to make and some of which will liberate me from the shackles that have binded me in the shadows. Change is an action that creates the course of our future. Many steps are taken, some are skipped and others are forgotten. As scary as it may seem and as drastic as these changes may come, we have to adapt and learn from the past. Change can be a correction of past mistakes or of choices in which we wish not to live our lives in a certain way. Looking at past mistakes helps me to make the choices for the future, better ones in hopes of making a better life for myself. Tough times will come and although we as human beings can falter in the face of despair, adversity is our greatest weapon against the odds. A strong will for better things, not only for yourself but for others as well, can carry you across the vast plains of the earth.
Hope can carry you on it's shoulders as long as you hold it in your heart.
Some people might say that hope is an emotion that helps us ignore reality in our times of great despair. But I think it helps us to keep going so that we may change that which is keeping us in the despair that is hindering us from a better future.
I look forward to change but also dread it for I will not always know what will come my way. I will not always know what choices to make. With so many possibilities in this world, there is only so much you can imagine that can happen. There are only so many roads you can travel in the life you live.
Knowing this I still persist in living the best way that I can. I keep going no matter the odds, no matter the situations... I always look for those moments that make life worthwhile.
There are so many things in this life to appreciate. There are so many people to love and cherish. Such a vast and huge world to explore and experience...
The only thing to do is live a honorable life and hold no regrets.

Musings Vol. 25

2009-07-19T20:24:00.001-07:00

I find my way to you in this chilling cold
Your warmth gives me life once again
I felt dead inside
Cold to the touch
Your eyes illuminating my sky like stars
I find my way
I once had a love
But I dare not speak her name
Broken are the pieces of our hearts
Shattered on this floor where we said our goodbyes
Mending the wounds
I sow my heart with threads of fate
They intertwine my thoughts to yours
Fate it would seem is cruel
Bonds of the past well structured over time fall
Shattering forces tug at it as it comes crashing down
A fleeting thought in my mind that love was real
I come to you with wounds to mend
I said to myself “Never again”
A solemn vow I did not break
These feelings I have for you
I dare not hate
Love is eternal
Bonds can be broken
Wounds can be healed
But this love I have for you
It stole from me something I did not know was there
A single thought of happiness
A slight chance of adversity through love
It all came crashing down pulled by the threads of fate
I lash out in anger
I cry out in tears
I scream with regret
I hold myself in a cold embrace
I wait here with lingering thoughts
Waiting for the warmth I once felt in my heart
As it fades with time
My hopes fade along with it
I fall into regret
I remain still and listen
The beat of my heart stronger than before
Strength still remaining within me
I hold the hand of fate once again
Warm to the touch
I trust in myself once more
These feelings I vow I will not betray
This love I still feel…I will not let it slip away…

Musings Vol. 24 (The Wind of Change)

2008-11-01T23:24:00.001-07:00

I wish to see your soul
An endless chasm of sorrow
Fruitless dream abide your heart
Wishing and hoping
Tearing you apart
As close as you get to your goal
The farther the reach seems to be
Colliding in an endless stream of energy
These dreams come unto me
Flying and soaring
Faster and higher
I see the sorrow that fills this world
Come with me on this journey
Empathy will ruin our hearts
Salvation awaits us
Come with me, this journey will tear us apart
Grace of the stolen
Passion of the mind
Emotions turn to lies
Chemical reactions forthwith hold us together
I bind you to me
Marching forth hand in hand
We seek shelter
Narrowly escaping each other
Your heart binds me to your misery
Your soul binds me to your sorrow
I seek a path for the both of us
A path I know not if we will take
Is escape at the end?
A clouded horizon ahead
A dense fog covers our path
I do not know where to go
I wish to guide you
But my heart has not the strength left in it
I do not know where to turn
I do not know where to go
I feel a wind of change
It carries us
The fog disappears
Our paths before us are revealed
And now I see with saddened eyes
That our paths lead us in different directions
With tears in my eyes I realize
I cannot take you with me…

Musings Vol. 23

2008-10-23T21:43:00.000-07:00

The seams that break away
They were sown to keep us together
Ripping apart at the dawn of reality
It was a dream and nothing more
My heart sewn into yours
Dangling by strings
Carried away by stars my dreams are gone
Shinning away the darkness
They remain ever hopeful
Come back to me and remain in my heart
I speak to you in a soft whisper
Trembling lips speaking of love
Help me accomplish my dreams
Help me love again
Tear these regrets away from my heart
Let me be happy in this realm of darkness
Save my soul and complete me
Every whisper
Every word meant nothing more
To me it was a dream
I held it close to my heart
A wish and nothing more
Screams and cries of joy
Muffled by your pain
I carried this burden
I held it high and hid it
This burden that should have been shared
Alone I was walking this road
Dreams I thought would come to fruition
Dreams and nothing more
Alas, I held it close to my heart
And I wished for more
But before I could hope
I knew it was forsaken
I woke to see the reality
And then I knew
Time will not slow down in this endless dream…

Musings Vol. 22

2008-10-19T18:20:00.000-07:00

As the sun sets on another day
I look away into the sky
Glittering stars in the pitch of black
Lighting the way for those who are lost
They guide me to a path
I thought I would never follow
I never knew it would lead me here
As strong as my soul is
I cannot handle the emotions within me
Inhibited is my heart at times
Shy are the thought in my mind
Ceaselessly I travel this path
Avoiding every argument
Avoiding every emotion
Wishing for things to remain the same
This happiness cannot last on hope alone
The strength within us
The love that grew
Is it still there?
For my part it is
And although I love you
I feel it is unrequited love
Struggling with each thought
What will come to be?
What will we make of us?
As long as these feelings remain in my heart
I feel I could be loved by you
Alas I feel alone
In your heart I sought to love
In your eyes I saw a kind soul
And in this life
In this time we are in now
I feel as though everything faded away
I am now uncertain if there will still be an us
And now more than ever I feel alone
Love is leaving my heart
Only memories remain
Memories of a time I knew happiness...

Musings Vol. 21

2008-09-28T10:57:00.000-07:00

Pleading please
This disease that takes over me
Purpose left unfulfilled
I cannot see what does this mean?
Shouting these cries at the top of my lungs
I am left clear in the path
Forks in the road
Where do I go?
Show me the way and I will follow
Lead me thru these feelings of hollow
Mind and soul meld into one
I see the light
Is God the one?
Foretold this future of mine he said
Control is out of your hands
Bewildered is my mind
Left untamed
Loosing control on this thought
It races with no stop in sight
Reaching in the inner recess of the darkness within
I seek truth
I seek answers
Running faster with footsteps erased with every step gone
I leave no trace of my existence behind me
Will memories linger in the past?
Will this mark be left behind?
Will my love conquer your heart and leave its mark?
Searching for a way
Loosing my way while doing so
I ponder my existence
Leave a thought behind in wonder
Cross paths with as many as you can
Raise questions that no one else would
Leaving a mark
Leaving a existence
This feeling of fulfillment haunts me
What will be my legacy?
Where will regret stop and peace begin?
Will I be at ease?
Will this torment ever stop?
Shall I cease to exist if you do not remember me?
Please forgive me for I am now gone
And these thoughts I let linger are now yours…

Musings Vol. 20

2008-09-13T12:55:00.000-07:00

Eres moneda que cambia caras
Cada vez que te tiro al cielo
Cambiando cada segundo sin decider quien eres
Volteando tu cabeza hacia el ser
No miras la realidad
Fantasia es tu reino
Tu infielidad seria tu ruino
Cada momento que pasa todo cambia
En tu voluntad
En este reino que vives
Solded en tu alma
Los momentos cambian tan rapido
Tu corazon se llena de arrepientos
Mientes para conseguir lo que quieres
Y en eso creiste una vida falsa
Corres rapido para escaper tus mentiras
Para dejar tu vida de fantasia atras de ti
Mas rapido que pisas en tus pasos
La realidad te alcanza mas cercas
Con cada kilometro que tiras atras de ti
Se acerca mas atras de tus tacones
Falsas ideas que tuviste
Falsas caras que te poniste
Todo hacia atras de ti
Siguiendote con cada paso
No puedes escapar
Hasta que ahora paras y volteas
Miras al espejo sin saber ahora quien eres
Tantas historias falsas que dejiste
Tantas imagenes de una persona falsa
Ahora ni conoses quien eres
Que esta en tu Corazon?
En esta realidad ideal, quien eres?
Sin reprochar sigues adelante
Preguntando "quien soy?"
En este momento de verdad
Empieza tu camino

Musings Vol. 19

2008-08-07T20:36:00.001-07:00

In this state of mind
I had a dream
A dream of a world I know I will never find
Confound to principles and rules
My dream does not soar
This reality I wish to escape
Will you come with me?
Seeking another world
Waiting for another dream
To what reaches of the universe will we traverse?
How far must we go to get there?
Will happiness be waiting for us?
As we wonder in awe of the universe around us
We continue our journey
Holding your hand, never letting go
You hold me closer ever still
Our souls intertwined in this journey
Through the struggles we face
We will become one
As my soul faces yours, we embrace one another
Looking into you, secrets unveiled
Dreams revealed
Wishes that were made
Hopes that were lost
I embrace you closer
I feel the pain and the sadness
And now on this journey we have traveled
My only wish
My true desire
Is to see you smile

Musings Vol. 18

2008-08-02T22:30:00.000-07:00

Nostalgia plagues my mind with “what if’s?”
But now as life moves on, these “what if’s?” disappear
Gradually I move forward with time
Cautious at every step that I take
I cannot help but reach out for a hand to hold
Uncertainty and doubt plague my heart
Holding me back
I have dreams of the future
Yet I do not know what is to come
Unpredictability is ever present
I am scared
Look into my eyes and tell me what you see?
Fear treads within me
Doubt lingers about
The true strength of my soul has not awoken
Thru these tough times I wonder
Always wondering if I will make it
Always hoping to make it thru
I look to you
Will you hold me?
Can you comfort me and tell me it will be okay?
Lend me your strength
Give me your love and I will grow stronger
Although I keep hearing “you will be fine” I still doubt
I doubt the certainty of stability
I doubt the skills that I posses
But…
I have made it before right?
Had I not I would not be here…
What would you say to me?
Sometimes I wish things were a little different
But choices have been made that cannot be undone
And to that avail I move forward
Doubt lingering about
Uncertainty plaguing my heart
My mind unable to grasp my true strength
I ask again…
Will it be okay?
Will it be just like before?
Adversity makes a strong soul prevail…
Am I strong enough?

Musings Vol. 17

2008-07-07T20:08:00.000-07:00

Slashing at the clean air it bleeds
Confound dreams pour from the wounds
Crisp is the air that pours from the sky
The clouds depart in the blink of an eye
This whirling mass of emotions gathers dark clouds
Rain begins to fall
Thunder shakes the earth
Dreams shatter in an instant
Fragile hearts retreat in fear
My journey begins here
Traversing the earth in search of wonder
My hopes pile sky high
Climbing even higher on this mountain
Looking back in fear
I commence my journey
Taller as the mountain grows
Crashing dreams that fall like the earth I tear away as I climb
My determination wanes
Even further do I dream
Even further do my hopes climb
As this mountain grows taller
As these fears gather
My journey continues
Not knowing eternity
I remain here
In this crevice I seek shelter
In this crevice I build my home
Seeking solace in my fears
Seeking freedom in isolation
These shackles remain here
Binding me
As time passes these chains corrode
Hope remains to guide me
I climb even further to reach the top
I see the earth
I see wonder
I see hope
All the strength that I have used
All the hopes that I brought with me
They fly away carried by this wind
They scatter and cover the earth
Finding me wherever I go…

Musings Vol. 16

2008-06-05T11:45:00.000-07:00

Feeling free inside a cage full of birds

I yearn for the sun that sheltered me from darkness

Opening the box that hid my destruction

My pleas for help are growing louder to no avail

Solitude is my confinement

I wear these shackles of hope freely

This mind made of matter grows ever stale

Lost in the sea of your hopes

Surrounded by water that drowns me

Common is this faith of perseverance

Behold these fears of self destruction

What do you find in this state of mind?

What answers do you seek?

Behold these fears of self destruction

Pride confines you

Fear confines you

Hatred releases you

I control this feeling on a whim

Spiraling in this void

Ever consuming in its hunger

Fears tossed aside to jump in

Cast away these emotions

Cast away all fear

Do not pull back

Do not hesitate

Release your inner demons

Let go of all of that you hold inside

All that could have been

All that ever was

Memories abide your rules of emotion

Constantly avoiding

Faced with a wandering eye

This point of view is askew

This line of sight is at an angle

Solitary is the soul that does not abide emotions

Constant is this feeling

I dwell in it

It lingers ever so slightly at the edge of my mind

Musings Vol. 15

2008-06-05T11:44:00.000-07:00

A constant in the view of my mind
Opinioned as is not forgiving
I say "Do not trouble yourself"
I say "Do not fear or Despair"
For at a loss of word I do not respond
As this thought grows I refrain
I pull back from this reality
A thought in a million
Responsible for what is not real
A three dimensional loop hole that supersedes
Forever in this instant
Walls of these dimensions fade
A rusty crown worn on your head
FOREVER
What man are you?
What form of humanity does your heart take?
Time is running out
This resection of reality
Rules that are not real
A sense of false security
It brings you comfort
Watching as people walk by
A constant reminder of being left behind
A constant reminder of time passing you by
In this reality you rule
In this reality dreams come true
FALSE
What comes is what may be
To what avail does your heart survive?
To what truths do you live by?
Refusing you
Abiding by you
Embracing you
You rule me
What percentage of the mind does it take to wonder?
What percentage of the mind does it take to think?
What perception of the mind do you have?
Fleeting and distraught
A rule for your heart
A shackle for your soul
TRUTH
It lies in eternity

Musings Vol. 14

2008-05-06T14:27:00.000-07:00

Getting closer
Yet I feel so far away
Closer to the top
Looking back at the distance
I have traveled very far
Climbing, tearing away at the earth
Getting closer
Things left behind
Feelings left behind
People left behind
I look back
Everything is faded
I look back towards the top
Everything is so clear
It all ends here
Should I let go and fall?
Should I keep going?
All these hopes and dreams I cherised fade
Aspirations left at a standstill
Future unknown
And for reasons unknown, I fear to tread
Hollow ground
Empty spaces
It was foretold I wouldn't make it
Will these dreams come true?
Is destiny at work?
Does fate control me?
Life is in my hands
Controlled by my choices
Will it end here?

Musings Vol. 13

2008-04-23T11:03:00.000-07:00

Passing by on a whim
These emotions flow thru me into you
Come and go as you please
Feelings felt long ago linger
Thoughts of a dream once dreamed fade away
Long ago I wished for a dream
These hopes fly by me on hurried wings
Steps beside me I take
This shadow follows
The sun setting on this horizon seeks me
Coming closer to the end of another day
I halt my steps to say good-bye
Thoughts linger on this moment
Peace be at mind
To this end we meet again
Flying thru the sky with limits unbound
Seeking the light of fortitude
I thought once I would not meet this end
I felt once that this end would not meet me
I hold on
Long ago these dreams had hope
Everlasting in its false strength, they persevered
New lives attained
Things left behind
Changes made to an unchanged soul
So cold this world deems itself
So heartless does man wander this world
Meaningful in our existence we waste our time
We pass by one another without disregard
Free as our spirits are, they are bound to one another
Truth be told I seek another life
Truth be told I will set myself free...

Musings Vol. 12

2008-04-01T13:12:00.000-07:00

My soul wanders these lands
Searching for a dream
My dreams wander these lands
Searching for hope
Awakening as it may seem
These horizons shine light upon me
Battling the darkness within
Choices govern this battle
Bruises and scars
Cut and bleeding
Contemplating
Wondering
Thinking
No action taken
Sitting still
Yet this battle ensues
An arena of souls wandering the world
Desiring its awakening
Why do we make the choices we make?
Why must consequence govern my choices?
Action and reaction are no equal
Understanding is a concept not a fact
To these dreams I give my fears
To these hopes I grant a wish
Everlasting in its intention
It shines as a star of hope
A beacon to you
It outshines your doubt
Alas to what outcome does this hold?
Truth be told in lies
Earnest hopes and dreams lie here
To what avail do we hope to accomplish our dreams?
Souls intertwine and we search
Together or alone
What purpose do we fulfill?
To what heights do we soar to be happy?
What in our name do we wish to accomplish in our lifetimes?
Forsaken are we in this world full of hopes and dreams
To what avail?
To what means to an end?
Do you sit still knowing what you know?
Do you take action?
Consequence
Will you abide by its rules?
Or will it govern your life?

Musings Vol. 11

2008-03-22T12:46:00.001-07:00

Stars explode before my eyes
The light blinds me
I cannot see what is in front of me
All I feel is the warmth of this light
It silently guides me down a path
I follow blindly with no second thoughts
In this light I trust my hopes
In this light I trust my dreams
I reach towards the warmth
I go numb
My blindness resides
I can see only darkness
The warmth was false
The light was false
Perceptions of an ever binding dream
Lost hopes of a faith left undescribed
A commonality of failure
I cannot speak for regret
I cannot see for remorse
I give myself these attributes to compensate my failure
Passing by another star I feel warmth once again
And thru another cycle I see my past
Mistakes forgotten
Regrets ever lingering
Remorse beyond a doubt
Contemplating on a thought everlasting
In this mind I stay awake
In this mind a severed balance
Sanity and insanity
Clarity and obscurity
Love and hate
Hopes and dreams
Luck and fortune
Whatever life brings you in the choices you made
All that can be done
All that can be said
Whatever lights you may come across
Perseverance is the key
Unforgiving as life may be
Unsympathetic as humanity may be
The strength to go on lies within you
In your soul you hold the strength
Strength to change lives
Strength to change the world
Strength to change your life
In this soul you burry your worries
In this soul you burry your dreams and hopes
In this soul you can release everything
For that strength lies only in you
Nothing is what it may seem
Only what you make it to be

Musings Vol. 10

2008-03-13T09:49:00.001-07:00

On this earth I search a dream
This longing dream
High and low
To and fro
I search and search
Making the same mistakes again
Longing in a desire
Hoping for a dream
Crumbling away as it seems
Fading away into the horizon
Hope does not last
This dream of mine seems out of reach
I long for you in this heart of mine
I long for you
In this desire I reach for you
In that light which shines so bright
My faith lies in you
A smile
A flicker of the brightness in your eye
I came across another dream
And hoped for more
In you
I held my dreams
In you
You held my heart
On this earth I search a dream
This longing dream
A love once thought lost
A love I feel is still there
A love I hope has not faded away
This dream of mine seems out of reach
I long for you in this heart of mine
I long for you
In this desire I reach for you
In hopes of loving you again

Musings Vol. 9

2008-02-28T15:47:00.000-08:00

Come to me in this dream and I will tell you your fortune
Come to me in reality and I will tell you your dreams
As the world moves so shall you
In which direction will you go?
That is up to me to tell you
I will guide you
I am the chosen one
Conflict will enter your heart and I will erupt with war
The soul will collide with the heart
The heart will collide with the mind
I will fight to whatever means to win
My will be done thru you
In this fight only you can win
For two do not make one
A peaceful vengeance resides within you
With this ongoing war you grow stronger in the fight
Dispatching whatever means necessary to win
A moral gray appears for you to contemplate
A wish grows in your heart now
Hope forever fades
The ongoing struggle makes you strong
But the sadness and sorrow of this fight only grows deeper into your heart
Wishes grow in their desires
Hope lingers yet still and you wish for more
All that is in life cannot be given, only gained
Intertwined with all the strings of destiny and fate
All lingers on hope
If this hope can grant you strength
If this hope can make you stronger
What will you do?
Is hope really in your heart?
" Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Hope implies a certain amount of perseverance — i.e., believing that a positive outcome is possible even when there is some evidence to the contrary."
"Hopefulness is somewhat different from optimism in that hope is an emotional state, whereas optimism is a conclusion reached through a deliberate thought pattern that leads to a positive attitude. But hope and optimism both can be based in unrealistic belief, or fantasy."
What do you think of me now?

Musings Vol. 8

2008-01-27T16:37:00.000-08:00

From these shattered pieces collect my dreams
From this bleeding heart repair my wounds
On this sleeve wash the blood that I wear away
Give me all the peace and joy in your mind
Do not leave me here tired and broken
My body feels cold and I can no longer hold my breath
When will I be able to breathe a sigh of relief?
When will this all be over?
Can you tell me the means behind what it is to suffer?
Through these roads that I have walked
I look back in regret
I look back in fear
This future that awaits me leaves me frozen and scared
The truths that lie before me confound me in fear
This mind of mine I fear is lost
This hope of mine I fear is lost
What do I live for?
What do I strive to attain?
Thru this suffering I feel strength
Thru this life I have felt love
A love that is longing
A love that I feel only in you
A love that I have found
Are you my greatest hope?
Are you my greatest goal?
Are you my greatest contributor to my happiness?
I know the answer to those questions
You are the reason why I am here
Your happiness gives me happiness
You are my greatest love
You are my greatest hope
And for you I live

Musings Vol. 7

2008-01-11T20:25:00.001-08:00

If today I told you that I would make this dream come true
Would you walk this road with me?
Would you take my hand and face these struggles with me?
If I said that I am not certain of success
Would you still love me if I failed?
Would you still care for me in the darkest of moments that we face?
If I told you my dream is a life of happiness with you
Would you still stay?
Love is what gives me strength
Your love gives me the greatest of hope
If I walked a million roads to bring you riches
Would you still be waiting?
If I traveled a million miles to find happiness for us
Would you still be waiting for me?
I promise you if you still hold my hand I will make you happy
I promise you if you still hold my heart I will never let you go
If I said that we could be together forever
Would you accept me?
And if in that time all we face is misery but we face it together always
Would you not let go of my hand?
I sit still here contemplating this
I sit still here watching the sun fade in the horizon
And I think to myself
Will this really happen?
Will you take me in your arms again?
Will I feel your sweet embrace once more?
I will endure whatever trials may come
I will face whatever obstacles stand before me
I will triumph over fate and destiny itself so we may be together once more
Whatever harm may come
I will use my love as a shield
I will use my soul as a weapon
And I will combat whatever means to make you happy
Now I feel this change inside me
I feel determined
I feel unsure
I feel although no matter what may come
No matter what uncertainties lie ahead
We can make it
As long as I have your love
As long as you walk with me
As long as you hold my hand
Come what may
There is happiness at the end of this struggle
And we will fight as one

Musings Vol. 6

2008-01-08T15:40:00.001-08:00

You promised me something
I wouldn’t let it go
That promise filled my heart
It gave me hope
It gave me strength to pick myself up after so many falls
You told me it was true
You told me you would hold it deep in your heart
This promise you made that day
It is now broken
It’s lost in the void of my doubt
You left me alone that day
You tore my heart to shreds and you laughed
As you walked away you looked back
You gave me hope again
But you only smiled and laughed again
You saw the look of hope in my eyes
You continued to walk, not looking back
You laughed because you saw the false hope I believed in
I thought you would never let me down
I thought I would be in your heart forever
I thought this dream was ours
Unrequited was this love of mine
A dream I sought blindly
A life I would never get to live
A life with your love
A life full of happiness
I pick myself up again with what little strength I have left
I look back as I’m walking away
I keep looking in the hopes this was all a bad dream
Your afterimage is all that remains
Everything that was “us” is now gone
This life of mine I must take into my own hands
I cannot let this sadness dwell in my heart
I cannot let it destroy me
I will walk down this road again
My heart will love again
And my soul will find “you”
I will look into “your” eyes
I will see love
I will feel love
And I will be able to move on once again

Musings Vol. 5

2008-01-01T15:30:00.001-08:00

This shattered dream of mine I let fly thru the window
You left it open while staring at the sky
You felt your wish be granted as you sighed
Thoughtless and careless worries collide into nothingness
I seek the peace you achieved a lifetime ago
Now I see it's so easy to believe
It's so easy to be deceived
I believed once that I would be happy
I believed once that all my cares would wander away
Now this road I walk leads to nowhere
I took the first step to being
And the last breath to end it
We both long for this survival
Flesh and dreams intertwined in a state of pleasure
I forget you in that moment and loose myself
I walk again this path I will soon not regret
To see you walk with me
I only wish you could have been there
I only wish you could have been there
I keep walking looking back in hopes of seeing you there
I won't forget you
My heart won't let you go
These dreams I once had
They were your dreams as well
And now I carry them for both of us
Down this lonely road we promised to meet
I smile once again as I see you there
This image of you
I see you standing there
I won't let you go
My heart won't let you
I promise you I will never let you go

Musings Vol. 4

2007-12-29T10:46:00.000-08:00

Washing away

Fading away

This dream of mine is non-existent

Hopes fade

My mind and body are exhausted

What I want is not what I need

What I need is not what I want

For one moment I found happiness

For one moment I thought it would be okay

For one moment reality left me

In this moment reality found me

It gave me what I didn’t want

These struggles I find myself in are self-inflicted

These memories I loose myself are self-destructive

I open my mind to all possibilities of what could have been

That is all there is

What could have been…?

What I could have done…

What could I have done differently…?

What could have I changed….

Would I be happier?

Sadder?

More miserable for changing my choices?

What lies ahead that I do not know?

What lies ahead I do not understand

Contemplative I lay here

My hopes wash away

They cleanse my reality

Dreams fade away

And I sleep on these memories

They are all I have…

Musings Vol. 3

2007-12-27T17:47:00.001-08:00

Shadows fall on a lonely prey
I commandeer your hope and give you despair
What gives you hope now?
What can save you?
To what extremes are you willing to go to gain your freedom?
Nothingness surrounds you
The darkness claims you
You open your eyes
All you can see is the shadow of your former self
You cry out in shame
You reach out to gain what you have lost
Unfortunately you now realize that you cannot gain what you so easily decided to give up
You chose not to fight
You chose not to endure
You chose the path you now walk and there is no turning back
This inner light you thought you had
What you thought had given you strength, waned
You chose to let it burn out
Regret fills your heart
Nothing can be changed now
What do you do now?
It's pitch black and the light you always hoped would save you one day is not there
It does not shine as you once hoped it would
It does not guide you down the path you hoped would lead you to happiness
It was but an illusion
This illusion deceived you
This illusion misguided you
This illusion which was real if only seen thru the eyes of the deceived
To what means of an end will this darkness take you?
To what means of an end will you let it take you?
Do you wish now to give up?
Do you wish now to fight with what strength you have left?
Will you give up so easily?
Impossible is not a reality

Musings Vol. 2

2007-12-24T13:40:00.000-08:00

I see you standing there
I see a reflection of what was
My hopes are the highest in a state of euphoria
Endless emotions that are swept under the rug
I contain you
I repress you
I release you from your former self
Astounding that which was in our hearts
The beating sync that we carried thru ceases to exist
Calamity struck
Yet you still endure
Compound is the fracture of the love you inserted into my heart
I now decide to insert this vow into your heart
I complete you
I replace the empty half you feared to fill
My soul burns aflame with this new hope
I come to you seeking happiness
I come to you seeking hope
I refrain from embracing this
I am too scared to face it
Love anew bound to a new world
Traveling an unknown road to start it's beginning
Suffering countless miles to meet it's end
Why do you shrink back in the name of fear?
Why do you sit still in the face of a new hope?
Come sit still with me and listen
Waves crash as we look upon this horizon
The sound of the world surrounds us
Endless Illusions of the mind perceive
Endless Illusions of hopes but not dreams
Calamity struck
Yet you still endure
You hold onto something
It's give you the greatest strength
Bound again we are to this never ending road
This life we are destined to live
This love we are destined to fall into
Why do we see no end?
Countless ambitions
Countless hopes
A dream never realized in the name of fear
Fear of change
Fear of that which we will never come to know
Twice we fall on this mistake only to make it again
Twice we realize the mistake we made
Three times now I wish this would end
Nameless suffering
Nameless fear
Enduring this I hope for you
I hope for happiness
I hope for this longing in my heart to give in to yours
And I embrace you…

Musings Vol. 1

2007-12-22T12:06:00.000-08:00

Past these dreams into an endless sorrow
I wake to the new moon in a solitude that I cannot abide by
I see the faceless nameless demon that dwells in my heart
And he laughs at me
I stare into the soulless being that encompasses my truth
In this heart of mine I cry
In this heart of mine I fight
In this heart of mine I struggle to attain the peace my soul longs for
This life of mine that remains with boundaries and chains attached to me
I shout in pain for the struggle that contains me
I cannot see this nameless evil
I cannot fight this devil
Confound within me is the strength to survive
A wish only granted to the forsaken
Dreams and hopes control me
Fate and destiny set me free
This hopeless embrace of a faith that will not let me go
It haunts me in my most treasured of dreams
These scars mark my triumphs
These bruises mark my pain
I see you standing there next to me
You attest to the pain and the sorrow I have lived
It is a mark
A memory
You see this life of mine that I have lived is sorrow
You see this life of mine is truth
You see this life of mine is full of secrecy
In this world I cannot survive
The strength in me cannot remain
These shadows that remain to be unseen
They hide my deepest desires
They hold me to the truth that will set me free
I hide from the sins of the past
I suppress my fears
I strive to walk this earth with a smile you wish I wore all the time
I cannot wear that mask anymore
I cannot hold these dreams in my heart anymore
I cannot let go of that which I most treasure
This pain that I believe gives me strength
This sorrow that I believe makes me resilient
This endless struggle I believe will never end
To all that I hold desire
To all that I hold truth
To all that I wish for freedom
To all that I wish for everything and nothing to be foreseen
Hide from me that which I must not see
For I believe that it will let me create a future I cannot regret

Images of a Broken Light

2007-09-11T16:11:00.000-07:00

You concern yourself too much.
The worries of the past haunt the future.
It's shackels are ever binding in it's fruitless love.
This star that shines with your hopes slowly fades.
The light grows dimmer and your hope wanes.
It's despair grasps your heart in a tight grip.
But the light still shines.
It travels a million miles a minute to reach it's destination.
It fights against gravity.
This light full of hope travels faster towards this Earth.
Doing everything it can to reach you.
Despair lies in your heart and you feel you cannot embrace this light.
It's too late.
This light has arrived and it shines on you.
In this light the memories of the past shine thru with a clarity that obscures all thought and reason.
Shrinking in fear of regret you try to pull away but the light is neverending.
Regret fills your heart but the true meaning of this light is to show you happiness.
Happiness does not reing in your heart completely.
Shadow and grief abide your hearts will.
You have let it be for far too long.
The strength of change overcomes it.
Happiness has been in your heart, it just needed to grow.
Time affects all aspects of the mind and the soul.
Healing will soon come.
Realizations will soon come.
And strength will remain in you, it has thus far in your journey.
No more regrets.
No more despair.
Embrace the light.
There has never been a life lived that has not had a happy moment.
A moment of pure joy.
A moment of laughter.
A moment of relentless profound love.
Regret will hold you back.
Embrace everything and move on.
The light will always be there to guide you.
"Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns, it calls me on and on across the universe."

Hmmm...

2007-09-10T14:47:00.000-07:00

So im sitting here trying to think of something to rant about or even bring up and i'm only finding myself thinking how things have calmed down as of late. The past couple of months were full of revelations, realizations and lessons that I won't soon forget! I feel myself growing as a person and I feel myself growing stronger and more understanding too, although I know I still have a ways to go.
The only problem i'm finding myself dealing with right now is the fact that I need a new job. Im soooo tired of working where I am right now. It's too much hard work, it's not rewarding and I get shit for pay! Sometimes I find myself thinking that it was a waster for me to go to school and getting my certification becuase I feel like i've forgotten everything! But I guess im the only person to blame for that, I just don't find myself finding the energy to study. I'm sure the cause of that is becuase I have to work soo much. But then I do have free time so I don't have any excuses and that means I have to stop complaining and do something about it. It's the only way my current situation will change.
You know im finding myself being able to find solutions to things a lot easier than I used to. I mean in the sense that before I just use to complain about things and then ignore it for a while and finally come up with the reason why im doing what im doing. I think that shows that im making progress doesn't it? It makes me confident in that I feel like im more capable of making it in life. :)
Well since I have the rest of the day, im gonna hit the books!

Intro

2007-09-08T11:22:00.000-07:00

So im back on this blog site. I had a previous one but I can't remember the title to be able to retrieve it :( No worries though. I don't have much to say right now but im sure i'll have lots to say in the future! I gotta do laundry...